TERMS

WHAT IS GASLIGHTING?

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where someone tries to make another person doubt their own perceptions, memories, or sanity. It’s often subtle and can happen gradually over time, making it especially harmful.

Some classic signs of gaslighting include:

• Denial: The person denies things they’ve said or done, even when you have proof.
• Minimizing: They say things like “You’re overreacting” or “You’re too sensitive” to make you question your feelings.
• Shifting blame: They turn things around so you feel like you’re the one at fault.
• Distorting reality: They retell events in a way that makes you question your memory or version of what happened.

WHAT IS SPIRITUAL ABUSE?

Spiritual abuse is when someone uses religion, faith, or spiritual beliefs to control, manipulate, or harm another person. It often happens in religious or faith-based settings, but it can also occur in personal relationships. Like gaslighting, it can be subtle or overt—and it can deeply impact someone’s sense of identity, trust, and relationship with God.

Here are some common forms of spiritual abuse:

• Using guilt or fear: Saying things like, “God will be disappointed in you” or “You’re cursed if you don’t obey” to control behavior.
• Claiming divine authority: Someone might say “God told me you have to…” or “If you don’t listen to me, you’re rebelling against God.”
• Isolating someone spiritually: Discouraging someone from questioning, seeking counsel, or being part of other spiritual communities.
• Shaming or silencing: Making someone feel unworthy, sinful, or unspiritual for expressing doubts, emotions, or differences.
• Twisting scripture: Taking verses out of context to justify abuse, control, or injustice.

WHAT IS DARVO?

DARVO is a psychological manipulation tactic used by people—often abusers—when they are confronted about their harmful behavior. The term was coined by researcher Jennifer Freyd and stands for:

• Deny
• Attack
• Reverse Victim and Offender

Here’s what each step looks like:

1. Deny: They deny the behavior or wrongdoing.
   “I didn’t do that.”
   “You’re imagining things.”
2. Attack: They go on the offensive and criticize or blame the person confronting them.
   “You’re the real problem.”
   “You’re always so dramatic.”
3. Reverse Victim and Offender: They flip the narrative so that they appear to be the victim and paint the actual victim as the aggressor.
   “I can’t believe you’re attacking me like this after everything I’ve done for you.”

This strategy is often used in abusive relationships (emotional, physical, spiritual, etc.), and it’s designed to protect the abuser from accountability while confusing, shaming, or discrediting the victim. DARVO can leave victims feeling guilt, self-doubt, and isolation—exactly what the abuser wants.

WHAT IS TRIANGULATION?

Triangulation is a manipulation tactic where one person (often in a position of power) uses a third person to create tension, confusion, or conflict between others—usually to maintain control, avoid direct communication, or shift blame.

It’s common in toxic relationships, dysfunctional families, and even workplaces.

Here’s how it works:

• Instead of addressing someone directly, the manipulator brings in a third person.
  Example: Instead of telling you they’re upset, they tell someone else and let it get back to you indirectly.
• The manipulator may pit people against each other to create drama or loyalty struggles.
  Example: Telling two people different versions of a story so they distrust each other.
• They might play the “victim” to one person and demonize another.
  Example: “I tried to talk to her, but she just blew up. You’re the only one who understands me.”

Why do people triangulate?
It helps them:

• Avoid taking responsibility
• Gain control or sympathy
• Divide and conquer (keeping others from forming alliances or standing up to them)

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO MAKE ‘UNILATERAL’ DECISIONS FOR THE CHURCH?
When a pastor makes unilateral decisions for the church, it means they are making important choices or taking actions on their own, without input, approval, or collaboration from others—such as the church board, elders, staff, or congregation.

This can involve things like:

• Hiring or firing staff without consultation
• Changing church doctrine, direction, or budget alone
• Starting or ending ministries without collaboration
• Making financial decisions without oversight

Whether this is seen as positive or problematic often depends on the church’s governance structure and culture. In some churches (especially those with a “strong pastor” model), it might be expected. In others (like elder-led or congregational churches), it could raise concerns about accountability, control, or even spiritual abuse if it becomes a pattern.

WHAT IS LOVE BOMBING?
Love bombing is when someone overwhelms you with excessive attention, affection, gifts, flattery, or promises early in a relationship in order to gain control or influence over you.

It might look like:

• Constant texting or calling
• Big romantic gestures very quickly
• Saying “I love you” or talking about marriage early on
• Making you feel like you’re perfect, like they’re your soulmate
• Showering you with compliments and praise

At first, it can feel amazing—like a fairytale. But it’s often not about genuine love. Instead, it’s a manipulation tactic used to:

Make it harder for you to leave later (because “things used to be so good”)

Make you emotionally dependent on them

Move the relationship forward faster than you’re ready

Create a power imbalance